FEAR!!!

I was talking with my therapist the other day. We were speaking of my recent PSA test that was like more than 3 times what is the high end of "normal". Having never been normal I should have liked to have just laughed it off, but it was playing me…or rather I was playing me (as we all will do).
I wasn't seeping well, I was a bit anxious and snappy, I wanted to isolate. Things bother me more than usual. I hadn't tied it back to the test. I mean I was miffed at the FNP for not telling me that one was ordered in amongst the other blood tests I got and then I got a letter telling me that the results were "extremely high". What would you do? Well, Roy asked me if I had thought that I might be a little afraid.
Hmmmm! Something I hadn't considered. So afterward we spoke of the way I've been acting and had there been any other changes in my life. Not much recently.
Hmm, fear. What is it? A reaction to an external event usually exhibited by goosebumps, hyperviilence, increased startle response, anger and if extended or repeated exposure, just down right bitchiness on top of all the other stuff, alienation. Of course, one can just freeze up.
I myself get a bit depressed, maybe I cry, sad thngs really make me sad. I have an increased empathy response.
But this is my PSA test. This could mean prostate cancer, removal of the prostate or one of those radiation seeds. feeling sick or worse, just dying. That would solve so much, but not the way I'd llike to resolve things in my life. Geesh, what if THE guy came along.
BTW where has he been all this time?
So I was at a party last night and there was this guy there who was really cute, pretty young, approachable, definitely liked to dance and I froze up to even talk with him. It is amazing how I let fear freeze my actions. There is the fear of success that has sabatoged my 2 previous occupations.
Fear of recrimination when it was time to come out. Fear of the dark that those forces are still out there trying to bring me down.
My friend Janice from university would see this and be amazed at the fear I speak about. I certainly put on the brave face in classes, but fear can be an impetus also. Sometimes the fear of looking silly or emabarrassed is just the needed push to give up and act. Action is the panacea of fear.
I think fear of rejection is my greatest fear. I mean one would think that having survived all the things that I have and going to a most horrendous war zone would quelch such fears, but even to just have someone walk away from you while dancing or talking…well my own self-concept doesn't accept that I can really matter to someone on that level, or is it deserving of relationship or to be happy or successful.
Maybe this blog should be titled "self-sabatoge".