I have been pursuing this PTSD claim with the VA for several years now and it has been rejudicated back to the local VA from WDC and I have to do some follow-up paperwork. What's holding it up is I cannot corroborate my claim. It's not that you can have psychiatric and psychological tests that find one has PTSD it must have either a report of said incident or someone who will offer a notorized statement of corroboration. I don't have it. The one incident I do firmly remember, and I firmly state this happened, is negated by records.
So I've got this report to do. I have been avoiding it and am just ready to give up on the whole thing, but my Veterans representative convinced me it is worth the effort. I have been trying to remember something that might be the saving instance for all this work (and let's not forget the symptoms) that might be enough for this clain to be confirmed.
I KNEW this was going to be difficult. Even as I write this I'm beginning to feel the initiation of anxiety symptoms. (I do remember to breate into it)
Friday night I went out and had a few, just to take the edge off. Though I don't numb out as much as I have, it still comes in handy, occasionally.
Saturday morning with a bit of a hangover and a cup of coffee, I sat in my front room and thought about the months of mostly missing memory on the first firebase I was on, FireBase Birmingham. I thought of what I did remember. The rat who was on my chest when I woke up, just sniffing my breath, damn he was big; the first ambush I went on. The mortar sargent who was such a prick to me. Seeing "The Sound of Music" at the mess hall one night. The road to camp, the dump, the shit cans being burned and the smell of diesel burning. The chinook helicopters.
I dissociate slightly and my breath is shallow and fast, my heart is beating hard, I feel the heat, I stop, I can't do this, I cannot go there. BUT, I need to remember, I need to do this and I think I've begun a segue, between here and now and then.
I get another cuppa and I go to the kitchen with a legal pad, pen and my earnestness.
What I wil write here is my words as they came. It's too bad you can't read my written word because it visibly changes as things happen and memories flood, though it still isn't quite concrete enough, like dates and specific incidences. There are references to other memories, but I decide to bare myself here!
This is for you JASSMOND:
I've been trying to think about what happened on Firebase Birmingham in mid 1970, my heart starts beating rapidly, the room feels close, I'm breathing shallow and rapidly. I got this same feeling painting my last "recovery" painting. I want to dissociate to there & be able to "witness" myself. I was afraid almost all the time, I was drunk a lot, I learned how to smoke pot from the guy who later raped me. I went out on ambush and my ADRENALIN WAS CONSTANT. I LEARNED HOW TO BE HYPERVIGILENT, IT'S ONE OF THE REASONS I CAN'T (scratch that) WON'T GO CAMPING AND WHY I REALLY DON'T LIKE LIVING IN THE COUNTRY. A LOT OF PEOPLE (who don't have PTSD) DON'T LIKE THE CITY, I DON'T SCAN THE TREE LINE IN THE CITY - PROBABLY AN OPPOSITE REACTION WILL OCCUR IN THE IRAQI VETS - YEA, I LIVED IN THE COUNTRY FOR A WHILE, BUT I DISSOCIATED A LOT BEFORE I KNEW WHAT DISSOCIATION WAS.
I think a time frame might be May 8 through July 8 1970. on Firebase Birmingham.
I SIT HERE & AM HAVING A FLASHBACK TRYING TO REMEMBER THE FIREBASE IS ALL LIT UP, THERE'S EXPLOSIONS & GUYS ARE RUNNING EVERY WHERE ALL HELL IS BREAKING LOOSE IT SEEMED LIKE FOREVER. I FUCKING CAN'T REMEMBER IT HURTS TOO MUCH I'M SCARED - THEN AND NOW.
I CAN'T REMEMBER PEOPLE'S NAMES - IT TAKES ME A LONG TIME TO REMEMBER PEOPLES NAMES NOW AND If I DON'T SEE YOU FOR A WHILE, I MAY NOT REMEMBER BECAUSE I CAN'T GET TOO CLOSE TO PEOPLE CAUSE THEY GO AWAY AND THEY DON'T COME BACK SO IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT DON'T MEAN NOTHIN', CAUSE I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING ANYWAY.
YEA AMERICA, WE'RE STILL DOING THIS TO OUR YOUNG PEOPLE.
Later in 1970 I was in Camp Eagle for a few days, or a couple to get the radar fixed, no it was after I came back from radar school in Long Binh, where, I learned in the early part of this decade, I scored the highest of all the students til then. I STOPPED IN TO SEE MY FRIEND HARRIS THE MEDIC AT BATTALION AID AFTER CHOW HE INVITED ME TO HAVE A DRINK & SMOKE (remember: he introduced pot to me.) SCOTCH WITH A WATER CHASER. HE KEPT FILLING UP MY GLASS, THEY WERE SMALL, HAVE SOME WATER, I DON'T REMEMBER HIM POURING MUCH IN HIS GLASS OR DRINKING MUCH ONLY THAT HE KEPT TALKING, HE WAS SORT OF FUNNY - WE (scratch that) HE KILLED A COCKROACH WITH THE NUMBING SPRAY USED FOR WOUNDS - SORT OF COMPRESSED COOLANT - HE WALKED ME OVER TO HIS BED IT FELT GOOD AT FIRST, BUT I'M REALLY DRUNK - IT WON'T HURT HE SAID - HE RAPED ME AFTER RUBBING ME, HE TRIED KISSING ME, BUT I TURNED MY HEAD - WE WERE SITTING ON HIS BED & MY PANTS WERE DOWN AND WHEN I WOULDN'T KISS HIM, NOW REMEMBER I'M 18 AND ABOUT 135 - 140 LBS & HE'S 6'+ AND ABOUT 190 - 200 - HE GRABS ME AND THEN I'M ON MY STOMACH LEANING OVER THE BED & I'M SO DRUNK HE SHUSHES ME, TOLD ME I'LL LIKE THIS AND ALL I HEAR IS THE FAN WHIRRING, OCILLATING & THE PLASTIC STRIPS FLAPPING AND HIS HANDS ARE HOLDING MY ARMS AND I'M STRUGGLING. HE LEANS MORE OF HIS WEIGHT AND I WAKE UP & MY PANTS ARE UP BUT NOT ZIPPED AND FASTENED. I WAS SITTING ON THE FLOOR LEANING ON HIS COT. I HAVE A WICKED HANGOVER & I GO BACK TO MY HOOCH & A LURP ASKS ME WHERE I'VE BEEN - THAT I LOOKED LIKE HELL - SO I TOLD HIM AND PASSED OUT.
LATER AT THE FIREBASE I BEGAN TO DO THINGS EVERY SO OFTEN - I STARTED EXPERIMENTING WITH WHAT SOMEONE CALLED COKE, BUT TURNED OUT TO BE HEROIN - SOMETIMES I'D drink a little obesitol (I think - , but it was liquid "SPEED") I could be really alert. I became involved with S-2 (Army intellegence) and when ideas about how to utilize radar differently were tossed around I would volunteer to do risky missions - unfortunately S-2 continued to assign risky missions.
When Bob Hope played at Camp Eagle, on my birthday, Dec. 26, radar was assigned guard duty on the hill between Firebase Arsenal where there was no enemy movement - that wouldn't happen until later in my tour - in that part of the sector. I got pissed off and left for a couple hours - I went for a walk, watched the sunset from a protected space. Oh yea I was safe. There was no vegetation on this hill and it was shorter than the firebase.
My lieutenant was incensed. Within a week in lieu of an article 15 I was sent out w/Charlie Company for 3 weeks. I was dangerous, just like if I was brand new, "cherry" incountry I was lucky I didn't get killed from my own stupidity.
I became a sergeant and a prick - alienating friends & others - I did more heroin - and I was in charge of 2 radar crews of guys older than me - I thought some were way older, but probably only 8 or 9 yrs for a couple at most.
I WAS CHANGED AND I STAYED CHANGED UNTIL THE FALL of 2000 when I got incredibly depressed for several months, even on meds I cried most of the time then the memories began to emerge. I couldn't stop the nightmares. I thought that was done, that the drugs and alcohol successfully stopped them. Then I was hearing stuff & hypervigilience, tactile hallucinations. Flashbacks & dissociation. There are times when I can be in both places at once, though those are rare. But I did this all before
NOW I'M CHANGED DIFFERENTLY.
That's it…the bold is what I wrote when I was mostly in a flashback. I was emtionally distraught, some sentences took a long time to write and a lot of effort on my conscious self. I have to thank my counselors at the Vet Center where I went when the nightmares began again in 1997…again. Actually I think they never stopped, they just became intrusive and sometimes during waking hours.
